thus making me awesome and them whores
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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