just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
