so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
