Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
