even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
