Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
