my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize