I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
