Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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