i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
