I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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