I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The adults are the big ones right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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