So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
