so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
