Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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