I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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