I need to stop coming to work sober
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
