Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
