So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
