I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
