I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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