the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
