I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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