So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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