I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
