I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
40s are totally the cure
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
