I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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