You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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