he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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