Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Pooping to opera.
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