Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
