They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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