Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
