I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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