1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
