my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize