i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
