filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
These tits shall not be calmed
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
