Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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