It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
