When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
