Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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