u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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