Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
