Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
