Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
