I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
