are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
