well I can't set my house on fire every night
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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