tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
