is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
