chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
