Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize