roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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