So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
