I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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