In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
