Ambien. No doubt about it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
