3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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